Meditation – An Introduction


This is not me.  I do not sit crossed legged, hands gently posed in “gyan mudra” listening to myself breathe.  I don’t just struggle to meditate, I writhe, kick – internally judging myself and every thought I have until I forget what I was doing and give up exasperated.

I decided to turn to meditation as a way of quieting the movie that went off most nights as soon as my head hit the pillow.  It was a short film that began with me taking Gus to emergency a day after his last chemo and concluded with us watching him take his last breath and slip away from us.  Sometimes I was watching from up above, looking for alternate paths I might have taken.  Other times I was just reliving the entire day.

A few months after meeting with AJ Barrera (find out about our reading in Knocking on Heaven’s Door – Parts One-Four) I received an email from his office announcing a workshop to “meet your spirit guides” and develop “communication with other side”.  While I did not believe that I had the “gift” of mediumship (if that is a word), I was hoping to meet my “guides” to lead me to what I was supposed to do now that I was no longer required to shepherd my last child through high school.  So, I signed up, paid my fee and showed up on a sunny day in November to a hotel in West Covina.

I arrived early finding a few women already sprinkled around the room. I sat away from them in the center of a long empty table.  I doodled on a small yellow pad that had been left at each seat to avoid eye contact and any mutual judgement. Within a short time, the room filled and as it did I could overhear people swapping tales of communicating with the other side. I scoffed and then felt ill and panicky. All these women couldn’t have “abilities” could they?

At ten on the dot, AJ Barrera introduced himself and urged us to allow the “spirit” to connect with our inner beings.  The spirit he explained is always ready for us to be open to it.   “OK” I thought “I’m ready – communicate with me”.

AJ began the session with a guided meditation.

“You are walking down a staircase….” (Interesting, my staircase looks like the escalator at the Grove.  Wait! I am supposed to be on a stair case.  Well just stop the escalator.  Ok that is better).

“The staircase has lead you to a tunnel at the end of which you see light.” (You are doing good Cec, just keep following the tunnel. I know what kind of tunnel this is, the kind that opens up to a….)

“Beautiful valley” (football stadium! What? Did he say valley?  Great I am in the wrong place. Valley, valley, valley, what does a valley look like – Oh I know like Journey to the Center of the Earth.  Ok.  I am back in.)

“You see an animal there. It is your personal animal spirit. What is it?” (Oh this is exciting, what is my animal? Tiger? Lion? Bear? Is that a rabbit?  Are you kidding me? My spirit’s animal is a brown rabbit?  Ugh… that’s disappointing.  No! Don’t judge!  So its a rabbit – follow the rabbit.)

“You follow your animal through the valley, getting calmer and calmer, breathing deeply letting him lead you where?”  (I can’t be calm, the rabbit is hopping along.  It is annoying. Ok Cec just breathe. Let it go!  Go with it!  Am I at the football stadium again?  What is it with me and football stadiums.  Forget it – this is stupid.)  I kept my eyes closed but I was out – meditating was just too hard.

When the meditation was over (5 excruciatingly long minutes later) the exercises to increase our “spirit” communication commenced.

Exercise #1 – Cold reading.  In this exercise we were supposed to sit with another person and tell them whatever came into our minds.  Like the worst athlete on a school playground I was the last to find a mate.  Fortunately for me, my partner also did not believe she had any powers and was only there to accompany her two children who she was sure did.  Still we sat across from each other and while my mind was blank, she asked if the number 10 meant anything to me.  I said no but it did. (Gus was 10 when he died and his birthday was August 10th.) 

Exercise #2 – Reading what was inside a sealed envelope.  We were instructed to gather in a circle with our table mates and pass around an envelope that contained a picture of a person that we were told had passed on.  The women around me wrote furiously on their pads for one minute and then when directed shared the results.  I again had nothing but the women around me had consistently written, “male”, “older”, “curly hair”, “mustache”, “heavy set”.  I initially thought they had all lost their minds until the envelope was opened and not only did their description match but other tables matched the contents of their envelopes with even more specificity.  The table that blew my mind had accurately described an image of Michael Jackson down to his profession.  The “spirit” had even had the presence of mind to cause the envelope to find its way to the one girl who had an image of MJ tattooed on her arm that no one saw until the big reveal.  (Ok – maybe something IS going on here).

Exercise #3 – Blindfolded reading. AJ and his assistant removed a few volunteers from the room and asked the remaining people in the room to switch seats.  Everyone was then blindfolded and his volunteers lead back in the room. We were asked to raise our hands if anything that was said resonated with us.  A woman I could not see mentioned a child who’d passed over recently. I raised my hand and AJ told the woman who was blindfolded to continue.  She had nothing else.  (Getting kind of close).

Exercise #5 – Volunteer readings. What happened to exercise #4 you ask?  Well it was supposed to be a musical chair type of reading where two lines of chairs faced each other and we would move over a space after a two minutes of exchanging quick readings (like speed dating) but that exercise was quickly abandoned when it became obvious that the young lady with a broken ankle and currently sitting a wheel chair would not be able to move in any direction. (A huge relief to me knowing I had nothing to say)  Instead AJ decided to have a few volunteers attempt to communicate with whomever made their presence known.  The first volunteer talked about a farm, a male, passing over from a heart attack.  It seemed to make sense to a woman in the audience although it seemed kind of vague to me.  The second volunteer I seem to remember was better but what she specifically said has now escaped my memory because it was the third volunteer that touched me deeply.

A tall woman with a splash of pink in her hair was the final volunteer of the day.  She had been quiet all day but the pink in her hair or just her manner had caught my eye since early morning.  Whereas the rest of the volunteers had been coaxed and prodded to speak, she strode to the front of the room like a woman on a mission.  She turned before AJ could say anything and asked the room (looking straight at me) if anyone had lost a child to cancer.  It is boy she said, about eight or ten.  I nearly fainted.  Raising my hand, she looked at me and said that he had been with me the entire day. She said she had “seen” him next to me first with a bouquet of balloons during the chair exercise and then with only two balloons one pink and one blue that he was offering to her for me.  He is “fine” she said, using the word that I most closely associate with him as he always told me, “Mom, don’t cry I am fine”.  “He just wants you to know he is always with you” she said as I burst into tears.

I went home shaken but moved,  somewhat less skeptical and more open to finding the “magic”.  It is in life’s “magic” that Gus dwells, making himself known to me (us), through song, by his name or even his image (I will talk about this one next time). I am still not very good at meditating, but I’ve been trying nightly ever since. I recently purchased a guided meditation that promised to introduce me to my guardian angel.  The woman who speaks…in,,,a,,,halting…and…annoying…manner promised that when I was ready my guardian angel would identify him/herself.  The other night I clearly heard “Tommy”.  (Tommy? Really? First a rabbit now a Tommy?) I highly doubt that my guardian angel’s name is Tommy but what was curious is that I have always been told that I do have a male guardian angel – so why not.  I am also not sure that I am closer to finding an answer to “what now” but I can tell you that the movie plays less frequently now. Sometimes it is even replaced with the physical sense that Gus has slipped into my bed and is resting comfortably in my arms.

Magical Gus

Smile - I'm Fine

Smile – I’m Fine

It occurs to me that we spend a great deal of time in life thinking about what happens after death. If the movies are any indication, we seem to have come to the consensus that the only way our spirits can linger on earth, if they linger at all, is as attacking, angry, torturing, evil presences. Otherwise the “good” spirits are supposed to have gone to the light where they roam about in vast fields awash in vibrant colors as the most beautiful version of themselves just waiting for us to join them.

It doesn’t seem fair that only evil spirits would have the power to make their presence known.  Shouldn’t loved and cherished spirits have the power to conquer all including death? As a Mexican-American I believed the spirits of our loved ones are always there to guide us; we need only be open to the signs. In my own life, when I was most anxious, worried and afraid, I had the sense that my grandmother came to me. Just as I started thinking of her, her favorite song (a very old one) played on the radio or she’d come to me in a dream.  But most often I felt her near me in the dead of night. I’d be jolted from a deep sleep by the smell of cigarettes (none of us smoke). The specific scent of her Lucky Menthols lingering far into me becoming fully awake.

The night Gus died I thought I felt his weight against my arm as though he had slipped into bed between us as he had done nearly every night since birth. I hoped to feel it again the next night and the night after that but the feeling never returned. I was beginning to think that it was only wishful thinking that had kept my grandmother around when we went to see AJ Barrera.  The reading suggested a spiritual awareness though that was far beyond what I ever imagined.  When we left, we resolved to be more open to the spirit, more specifically Gus’ spirit.

We left AJ’s house and headed to a Hallmark store for a gift.  Since Gus’ passing we’ve walked into a million stores carrying those painted wood signs with inspirational sayings.  We even bought the one with the quote by Wilfred Peterson, that says “Walk with the dreamers, the believers, the courageous, the cheerful, the planners, the doers, the successful people with their heads in the clouds and their feet on the ground. Let their spirit ignite a fire within you to leave this world better than when you found it…” The sign we saw that day was different. It appeared like a personal message sent from above coming so soon after the reading.  It simply said:


This was our thing with him.  A nearly daily verbal war that was never resolved.  He’d usually start with “I love you Mom or Dad” and we’d say “I love you more” and then he’d say “I love YOU more”, and we’d go around and around until something else diverted our attention.  In typical Gus fashion he was getting the first word, foreshadowing Gus’ alternate presence in our lives.




For my birthday that year, his art teacher and a dear friend to me was wondering what to give me when she found this drawing he’d made on a rare day he was at school that last year.


My friend swears the box in which it was found had been emptied the previous fall in advance of the new fourth grade class and gone through a number times.  She was shocked to pull it out as an answer to what I should get for my birthday.





For father’s day a month later, my husband and older sons decided to go golfing at the last minute, getting one of the last few tee times at a course they’d never been to. They arrived to discover that a fourth man had been added to the group who walked up to them and said “Hi, I’m Gus!”.

Then later on the Fourth of July, a day Gus loved because we’d spend the entire day at the beach lighting sparklers well into the night, we found this:


A band he’d likely made at his last cub scout camp out. Could we have really overlooked it each time the car was cleaned out for over a year until it appeared in time for one of his favorite holidays?




His prayer card (shown above) says “Smile. I’m Fine”.  It is what he said to me each time he could see that I’d been crying.  I tried desperately not to cry in his presence, but sometimes I could not help it, the tears streaming down my face as much in grief as in anger that my precious boy was in crisis again.  AJ said Gus’ mission was to help us; to remind us to smile because we would be fine on earth as we are in heaven.

While I wish everyday he was here in the flesh, I am amazed at the many ways he continues to be present in our lives and how the spirit moves to answer and address the questions and concerns that affect our hearts.

Love you more……

Knocking on Heaven’s Door – Part Four

Always smiling

Always smiling

I have no doubt that many readers will find a million ways our meeting with AJ Barrera was a complete farce.  We are after all grieving parents eager for evidence that our son is not really lost to us. Even I can point to the many times we offered up unsolicited information.  However, there is no way AJ could have known about the collie, the location of Gus’ memorial shelves in our house, the memorial plaque at his school (see below), that Gus would poke fun at his relationship with his oldest brother (see below) or that he would take credit for the music that fills his other brother’s life now (see below), not to mention accurately describing the personalities of all the other relatives that made an “appearance”.  But the reading was even more than that, hitting nearly every aspect of the difficulties and questions we had not even had the heart to talk to each other about. For example, until the reading, my husband had been incapable of venturing into the backyard, especially where the wagon was hiding directly across from the swing set.  It was there, at the bottom of the slide, that he and Gus had last spoken, having a heart to heart about life as Gus enjoyed the sun warming his bald head.  For my part, I was wondering if he’d woken up on the other side disappointed that he was no longer with us.  I could almost hear him say, “Aw Man, I’m dead…”.  I worried that it was my fault for not giving him the stem cells sooner, that I had missed something that would have kept him alive. It gave me great peace to know there was nothing I could do to prevent it and that he had been in control of his leaving and was ready for his transition. We left the reading with the knowledge that Gus is not just in our hearts and memories but that his spirit is actually still with us – we only have to be open to the signs.  Like our walk in Spain, our reading with AJ was trans-formative.  Since then, Gus is as present in our lives as ever and we are practicing living each moment with more presence and openness.  Life can be truly magic.

Final reading segment:

AJ:          I might misinterpret this….is there….I actually want to drop it down younger.  So I want to drop it down to your younger energy and I rather be wrong on it, but is there actually like a mural or either some sort of engraving or some sort of writing that you had done in honor of your son that I have to bring up here?

Us:         Yeah..

AJ:          Where is this if you don’t mind me asking?

Us:         It’s a memorial plaque at his school.

Memorial Plaque at Gus' school.

Memorial Plaque at Gus’ school.

AJ:          He wants to let you know…” thank you for honoring him and thank you for doing this” because there is a part of it that is written and it’s engraved and there is a part of it that he wants to let you know, it’s his way of waking up and being a legend because he is a legend on the other side because he is known on this side, there is like a superhero type of energy, that he is still strong and not fighting this but still the main guy on this side.  Is there a reference to him like just being like honestly a character?

Us:         Yeah..

AJ:          Because part of it like he is making me feel like “I am not sick, look, I’m not sick”, part of it like I’m alive, I’m happy, I’m having a good time and his energy for me is about kind of making you guys happy and making you guys laugh because I feel like his energy, when it was here physically was kind of to make you guys happy and make sure mom and dad were ok, it wasn’t for you guys to make him up, you know what I mean? I feel like his duty was to assist you and help you guys out as well, he’s also bringing up for me, do you actually…and this will sound very unique,  you don’t have his jacket with you do you?

Us:         Not with us for today, no.

AJ:          Do you carry his jacket around?  Why would he bring up his jacket?

Us:         His sweatshirt is hanging inside his room and I grab onto it every day.

AJ:          He wants to let you know that “I’m there with you when you do that”, “I’m there with you”, because he is making me feel like I need to acknowledge the jacket or the sweatshirt he is identifying with you and he wants to let you know I am still there for that event, I am still part of your life, because his energy, again, he is alive, like spiritually, he’s like right here, my hair is just rising, he’s a vibrant energy for you guys again, it’s not about the medium it is truly about you guys of understanding of why he wants to come across to you guys, it’s about making sure that mom and dad are ok.  They are also bringing up for me like when this energy….. did you say your mom passed on the fourteenth?

Us:         Uh –hugh.

AJ:          Then there must be another reference to this, because flag day is like June 15th, so is there another significance to a governmental holiday, that I need to bring up for you guys?

DSC_0038-1Us:         This morning, the cub scouts go put flags on all the graves for Memorial day.

AJ:          Are you guys doing an event?

Us:         I haven’t done it the last two years, today and last year but we did every year since he was born with him as a guy in a stroller, or as a cub scout.

AJ:          Have a party for him, he is going to be at those events so if you are placing the flags, he wants to acknowledge that I will be there with you guys, so enjoy the moment, enjoy the time with him and even though spiritually he is around you guys even though physically he is not, there is part that he wants to let you know I am still a part of your life today as well,  because when I look into you guy’s energy, he is making me feel like, you guys are a team, you are a whole, you guys are a backbone, so I don’t feel like one is weaker than the other I definitely feel like you guys balance each other where you guys are at, but his energy is like I just want to step forward and be this true energy for you guys as well.  Why? Is there a weird reference… you guys have ties to Orlando? Like Florida?

Us:         We took him to Disneyworld.  I have some relatives there.  We went there twice with him.

AJ:          It’s something one step further.  I don’t think it’s just Disney.  Or two I need to call him by a different name. So would he go by like Dopey, Sleepy, Goofy or something like that?  Is there a name that I am actually supposed to bring up here? To acknowledge him, or to acknowledge one of you guys? I feel like it’s a funny, haha, reference that he wants to acknowledge because I don’t think it’s just making the trip to Disneyland because I’d actually see like Anaheim but I feel like if you have ties to Orlando, then I feel like in some sense I need to acknowledge Disneyworld or maybe the name of something.  There is something they want to bring up here, like it’s a name.

Us:         We used to call his brother Grumpy.

AJ:          That makes sense, his brother?

Us:         Yeah.

AJ:          Your brother?

Us:         No, his older brother.

AJ:          Still call him Grumpy. Let him know he is still Grumpy from the other side, because I feel like I need to acknowledge him, and need to acknowledge like the name the character, and was he close to his brother if you don’t mind my asking?

Us:         Yes.

AJ:          Because I need to acknowledge him in a joking way, like bust his chops and let him know that I still want to feel like the brother energy.  But he is making me feel like he’s the better half though. So kind of like tease him with that, so he makes like he was known for that and even though parents don’t have like a favorite child, there is a part of him like he is the better one. So I feel like it’s his way of teasing him in a unique way because he’s making me feel like “I still have all the attention” regardless.   So I feel like it’s that type of energy of how he wants to step forward for both of you guys, you know what I mean? And I feel like the energy of him is just to be funny.  It is truly just to be funny and remember him how he was like today as well.  Now is there a separate energy, like on you guy’s level that is like a male that is passed over?  When I say your level I mean, brother, cousin, friend.

Us:         No – we don’t think so.

AJ:          If not then I might be switching over…….  AJ does switch over after all this time to another person in the group but Gus was not done.   After speaking to another woman for about twenty minutes, AJ turns back over and says…. Why is your son bringing up music? Was he a musician or why is he bringing up music?

Us:         No.  Our middle son is really into music all of a sudden.

AJ:          Your son is bringing up music.  Like he wants to let you know… like I am seeing musical notes.  Like when I am talking to her, he just threw music at me.  So I feel like it’s almost like he is not done, you know what I mean?  So I feel like he wants to jump in so I feel like of how they want to jump in just to acknowledge the energy.  They often do that just to get like the little messages across but I feel when your dad steps forward I need to acknowledge the signs and signals, so I feel like he is going to be inspired, like your son is inspiring your son now as sending the music across to him.



Knocking on Heaven’s Door – Part Three


Well – Hello Nana….

I left off just as AJ was about to bring in a new energy – my mother in law Robyn Anne Deppe. In transcribing the recording, I recognize that some of the information we readily forked over although there is still very specific information about dates and circumstances that he could not have known. What doesn’t come across in the transcripts, is the change in tenor in AJ.   While Gus’s energy was light and made him laugh, he seemed to struggle more with her Robyn’s energy, giving evidence to her strong personality.  She was exactly as he describes her, tough as nails, blunt, raw. Meet Robyn….

AJ:          They are also bringing up for me, where is the fourteenth significant at as well?

Us:         The fourteenth? Um.. my mom (Paul) passed away on the fourteenth. Ten days before he did.

AJ:          I was going to say, would your mom know your son… obviously right? So your son is bringing through your mother.  Often times we have the older energy that brings in those energies so I feel like it’s your mom stepping forward acknowledging it’s her way of coming through together.  The part with your mom’s energy is that she is being like… she is different from your grandmother (chuckles) so I feel like your mom’s energy is… unique… if you will (lots of laughter) And, there is a part of it that your mom wants to acknowledge that “I’m different”.  So, she wants to place herself separate from everyone and that is no disrespect to you guys, but I feel like it’s her way of acknowledging her type of energy.  I feel like your mom’s energy is like “tell it like it is”, you know what I mean?  I feel like she just wants to be blunt, and be open – free; and I don’t want to say like “I miss you – I love you”, but I feel like it’s more so acknowledging that she is still around you and she is also bringing up for you… did you say she passed away recently?

Us:         Yeah- last June.

AJ:          Is there… your name is Paul though right? Is there like a C or K name connected here? Like Christopher or Cathy connected here?

Us:         Cameron [Yes, I know we offered up this name before.]

AJ:          Who is that?

Us:         Cameron

AJ:          Is that her?

Us:         No her grandson, my nephew.

AJ:          Would she know that newer energy?

Us:         Yes – that was the fourth – the birthday on the first.

AJ:          Ok, so I feel like your loved ones want to acknowledge that energy.  So, I don’t know if there is something going on with Cameron, or something going on with that energy, or  to talk about its intuitive ability, but I feel like your mom want to send love to that energy as well and to acknowledge you guys.  I feel like when your mom steps forward there is a part of it that she makes me feel like “I’ve done this before, I’ve witnessed it before” and there is part of it that she wants to acknowledge like “I’m over the situation, I’m over the passing”.  So I feel like in some sense like I don’t feel like with her, again this was not a tragic event.  I feel like with her, it’s like your son’s energy.  They are making me feel like there are parallels in what happened; of how they deteriorated and how their body passed over, do you understand that?  And there is a part…was there something neurologically going on with your mom?

Us:         Uh she had…

AJ:          Was it Alzheimer’s, stroke, something like that?

Us:         No. She had cancer all over the place.

AJ:          Ok. There is a part that she makes me feel like “I’m aware” and “I remember”.  So I don’t know if she was going in and out of consciousness but there is a part it like, “I’m remembering and I’m aware of what’s going on here” because she is making me feel like I need to pay attention to the things around me but also acknowledge you guys as well. And is there two girls, two sisters?

Us:         Not on her side, I have a sister (Paul).

AJ:          You have a sister?

Us:         There are just two of us.

AJ:          There is only the two of you? Ok because she is bringing the two, the two. [There are two girls.  Paul’s sister and her daughter.  Another “Duh” moment] Don’t take this the wrong way, but were you close with your mom?

Us:         Yeah.

AJ:          There is part that it’s almost like I have to bring up like “man up”.  So it’s almost kind of like “take charge – take charge of your life”, kind of like “do what you need to do”, because the part of it  is that she is like placing you on the same level, but she wants to kind of like put you higher than your sister. So I don’t know if there is a difference between you guys.   If it’s like how you guys have your life style or what your situation is, but she wants me to put you higher than what you are.  So, if you feel like you are not good enough, if like things are not going well for you, there is a part that she wants to let you know “I want to put you up”.  Same thing with your grandfather, there is the same kind of energy of how they come through for you as well.  They are also telling me, is there also like an Anthony or an Angie connected here?

Us:         Not that we can think of.

AJ:          Connect that to your mom’s side of the family.  There is definitely an “A.N” name.  So, there is going to be like an Andrew, like an Angela.

Us:         (Long Pause) her middle name is Anne.

AJ:          Ok. That would probably be her way of just acknowledging herself. So, there is not another Anne still living or passed over?

Us:         No she was an only child.

AJ:          Just making sure. I want to make sure they are not bringing through a separate energy. I need to acknowledge then it’s just your mom identifying herself.  So simple yes or no. Did you guys already say your mom’s name? Did you already tell me?

Us:         No.

AJ:          Ok. The only reason why they would give me their middle name… this is why… if there is someone who has first name – first name, or two that again, either of you guys already mentioned it to me. So is there any reason why your mom would not go by her first name?

Us:         Not that we can think of.

AJ:          I am just trying to understand why she wouldn’t give me her first name. It’s very rare when they give me the middle name

Us:         Because she is different. That would be her.

AJ:          Put it is this way, your mom is the type of lady for me that would make me…that would try to tell me how to do my job.  You know what I mean?  It’s like…

Us:         I (Paul) was just going to say she’d make you work for it.

AJ:          You know she is. She is making me work for it. I mean, trust me, like she’s the type of lady that is being like “No, you are doing it all wrong.  This is how you are supposed to do it”.  Like, there’s that type of energy she wants to acknowledge that “this is my way of stepping forward, this is how I want to come through”.  It’s like… it’s not that she’s difficult… but she is. That is her energy, but I feel like a lot of it is just her being blunt, being raw. And,  I believe that her type of energy is that she just wants to step forward truly for you.  Now dad is still here which you’ve already acknowledged, correct?

Us:         Yes

AJ:          I need to acknowledge dad.  I don’t know if they were together or if they were separate.  It doesn’t matter to me.  But, she’s making me feel like I need to acknowledge her other half and let him know that I am still sending love to him as well.  I am also supposed to bring him the green light as well.  What the green light represents for him actually is moving more so emotionally on the situation.  So, it means like going out and dating, going out and living life.  I feel like there is something he needs to do and she wants to send the love and make sure things move in the right path for him as well.  She’s also telling me like…do you know?  And I don’t know if this is back over to your son … was your mom on morphine?

Us:         Uh.. yeah.

AJ:          Was your son on morphine, if you don’t mind me asking that?

Us:         Yeah, well but just a little bit, just one time.

AJ:          If it is was just one that would not make sense.

Us:         Oh ok then no.

AJ:          Was your mom like… treated…like “give it to me constantly”, I can’t say constantly but…?

Us:         At the end, because she was…. for the last month.

AJ:          I’m getting this nasty taste in my mouth and I feel like I’m very dry or dehydrated.  So there is a part of it that I feel like something  going in my pancreatic and that I need to bring up here… like “I’m good with this, I’m glad I left my body.”  So I feel like she left the body before anything really quite happened but, she makes like she was aware of it. So, if she was like in a state of mind of being in a coma, I need to acknowledge that she is making me feel like “I am aware and I remember what was going on here as well.” I am also supposed to bring up here and I don’t know if this directed to your mom, or directed to your son or directed to mom and this child but did you actually crawl into bed with your mom?

Us:         We both did in both situations actually.

AJ:          Ok. Here is a reference that I need to give to both of you guys then; because if it’s individually or with the kid or what not, they are bringing up for me that I have to acknowledge that it’s almost as if you guys took a beat and took a moment and said even though they were still physically here, it’s like “I’ve got to remember this, I’ve got to take this all in, I’ve got to take this energy in, I’ve got to know this moment.” It’s like you remember the beat and there is a part that they want to let you know, “don’t remember that moment”. So don’t remember like the bad times, remember more so the moments that you had with them because I feel like we kind of attach ourselves with that negative emotion saying you know what “what if I had the last chance, what if we could have done this.” They are making me feel like they don’t want you to remember this in how they step forward and how they want to acknowledge you guys. You know what I mean? When these energies step forward, it truly is for your guys, to assist you and help you guys grow in the right way as well. They are also showing to me, like they are bringing up my brother’s birthday, so you already validated June though, right? You already said June though right? [When Gus took his last breath and slipped away he looked so beautiful we wanted to keep that moment forever.  The fact that he said this was particularly poignant]

Us:         Yes, we said June.

AJ:          Is there another June connection or another “six” connection that I am actually supposed to bring up here?

Us:         On Paul’s side?  Um well – we have a niece born in June.

AJ:          Going to be born right?

Us:         No.  We have two nieces born in June and one will be four in June actually.

AJ:          Did that happen last year? Then it wouldn’t be it.

Us:         No.

AJ:          I feel like I have to go with last year or go like a year back.

Us:         Well, they both passed away in June. Both our son and his mom passed away in June.

AJ:          Your son passed away in June?  That would make sense because I think you said mom is June right? You said someone is in June.

Us:         Both of them passed away in June.

AJ:          Ok.  I have to acknowledge…but they are making me feel like there is another date that is significant, of another event that is connected here.  So, it’s just both of their passing’s they want to acknowledge as to how they are stepping forward here as well.  And I feel like the circle of energy of how they step forward it’s about like being like ambushed.  I don’t know if you ever want to be ambushed by like your mom, but there is a part of it that she wants to jump around and like “I want to ambush you.  I just want to come at you and throw information” but I feel like it’s more in the spiritual way to assist you in the right way.  But, I feel like with your mom’s energy is like a tough love type of thing. It’s like even though it wasn’t the right information, it would be like she would think she was right with the information.  So, there is a part of it that she wants to acknowledge is that she is still right.  So whatever you are doing that you would say like “mom would have said this” she makes like she still would have been right.  The thing with your mom’s energy in how she is stepping forward is that she’s still the same energy.  She is kind of being the dominant one if you will, because there is a very strong energy at how she comes through.   But, there is not anything she wants to stress on her passing.  So again, it is obviously someone who knew what was going on and had kind of lived their life if you will.  But I don’t think they lived their life to the fullest.  I feel like there is a part of it where it is like very nonchalant, like kind of just went with the flow of how things went but…… I might be switching or I might still be with you guys…. just switching to someone else or they are bringing through another energy for you guys…. Was your mom a smoker?

Us:         Uh, hugh.

AJ:          Like not an occasional smoke but smoker.

Us:         Yes.

AJ:          She’s making me feel like she’s still smoking on the other side.  So she’s made like she’s enjoying what she’s doing, like she’s having a great old-time on the other side.  Like this is the type of lady and this may not be her, but her persona, what she is showing to me, this is the type of lady that would be sitting down smoking a cigarette and playing cards, you know what I mean?  That’s the type of energy – how she is coming across to me like “I’m doing what’s normal to me” this is normal.  And,  I don’t know if that was a cause towards her passing, but I feel like she should not have been smoking.  You know what I mean? But if she could have smoked in the hospital or a facility, she would have done it, even though she was not supposed to. That’s the type of lady, she is making me feel like I am beyond the boundaries.  There are no boundaries for me and I want you to know on the spiritual realm, there are no boundaries on the other side to come through and communicate with either one of you guys.  I feel like, how she is coming through, she wants to acknowledge” I want to bring through my grandson but I want you to know that I’m here for you as well”.  So, here is the unique part, I don’t know if your child and your mom is someone you want to link with, or that you wanted to know that they met up together.   They are making me feel like your son kind of like greeted each other.  Like your son also greeted your mom and your grandmother and your grandparents greeted the younger energy as well.  So I feel like the elders do bring that energy, but I do find it very unique, that your son brought in your mother, rather than your mother bringing through your son, you know what I mean? It is usually the opposite of how this process works for me and I feel like again, your son had to have been like an old soul.  He obviously had some sort of experience because… like how he is coming through to me, he was aware of the process.  But, he is making me feel like there is no responsibility that I need to worry about here as well. [In re-listening to this part, we think he was actually talking about Paul’s grandmother, Maureen.  This is more in keeping with her personality.  Smoking and playing cards was definitely her thing.]


Knocking on Heaven’s Door – Part Two

Is this really Gus?

Is this really Gus?

I left off just as Gus was “coming through”.  I admit the first part with Paul’s grandfather and my grandmother was somewhat generic.  The spirits were just sending love and promising to be with us but what he was about to tell us about Gus and then Paul’s mother would be far more specific and really the capture the “spirits” of Gus and his Nana.

AJ: Is there a younger energy passed over for you guys as well? I have to acknowledge, is this yours? (pointing at me) or both of you guys?

Us:         Both of us

AJ:          Both of you guys; Ok – I have to acknowledge that grandma is bringing through a younger energy and she wants to acknowledge that it is over there with me as well. When they bring this energy it makes me feel like it’s a ball of energy, so it makes me feel like its vibrant, its vibrant, its vibrant. And they are also bringing up for me, now I can totally misinterpret this but I actually feel like there is no responsibility connected to this energy, so like there is a point if they push responsibility and no blame is connected here so I feel like there was no way of preventing it, no way of stopping it.  Do you understand that? And there is a part that I am actually supposed to bring up here, now this…would this actually be a young energy? Not someone that is older? This wouldn’t be like someone who is eighteen, twenty right?

Us:         No

AJ:          Here is the thing and I am going to be completely honest with you guys, I actually feel like a young energy … like a kid.  I don’t know if there was life expectancy with this energy but there is part that I feel like I need to talk about like “I am living my life” and “I’m growing up with you guys as well.” They are also bringing up for me to talk about August. So where is August connected at?

Us:         That was his name.

AJ:          So it would be just their way of acknowledging and their way of stepping forward as well and there is a part of it that they want to step forward for you that “we’re here for you as well”  I don’t know how long ago the individual passed away, you don’t need to tell me, but there is a part of it they are making me feel like “I am well adapted on this side” and “I want to come through for you guys”, the part with the energy is that and this will sound very unique, um… are you familiar with the radio flyer, like the little red wagon? Is there a reason why I am actually supposed to bring that up? [AJ told us he communicates with the “other side” through his “spirit guides” so the “they” must refer to them]

Us:         He had one.

AJ:          Do you guys still have it?

Us:         Yeah.

We found the radio flyer here. The thing about this spot is that Gus used to spend a great deal of time perched on these two roofs.

We found the radio flyer here. The thing about this spot is that Gus used to spend a great deal of time perched on these two roofs.

AJ:          Make note to it. I don’t know why they are bringing up here, I don’t know if this is something I need to make note of like it moves by itself, I have no idea but there is a part of that the energy is saying that “I’m still around this wagon” so if it’s a toy wagon or actually a big wagon I need to acknowledge like the radio flyer type of thing, that “I am still around you guys” as well.


You can just make out the radio flyer in this picture.

You can just make out the radio flyer in this picture.

AJ: The part with your energy is that it’s making me feel like, and I’m being completely honest, it’s almost like I’m here and then I’m gone. Like I don’t, and I’m being completely honest, like I feel like a part with it’s that it’s not that they did not know what happened it just happened that’s the type of energy they are bringing up here; but they are also bringing up for me like, do you know if there was anything going on with its like blood stream that I have to bring up here? Like, either something was enlarged?… When the individual, your son did not, your son? He didn’t internally bled-out or bleed-in did he?

Us:         No. He had a…He had an infection.

AJ:          Ok.  He is bringing up his blood disease like whatever happened in his blood, but he is making me feel like something internally happened with him so and I’m sorry to be personal here but do you if this actually physically shut down his whole system?

Us:         Yes [Gus died of Septicemia, his internal organs shut down one by one over less than twenty-four hours]

AJ:          Ok.  I need to acknowledge, I don’t feel like this was one thing that happened as if it was a heart attack, an aneurism, you know what I mean this isn’t something that slowly deteriorated but I feel like it just snowballed with him, do you understand that?  And there is a part of it that he makes me feel like I need to acknowledge you (pointing at Paul).  So I don’t know if you still communicate with your son but he wants to acknowledge Dad, Dad, Dad and Happy Father’s Day because it’s coming up so I have to acknowledge, he wants to be like the father, he still wants to be like the dad type of energy around you, and still wants to kind of like, what I am seeing and don’t take the wrong way but like my dog going around my leg so I feel like it’s that the energy that it still wants to be connected with you still wants to hug you as well and they are also bringing up for me now, was August not supposed to be his name though?

Us:         [We giggle but don’t offer any more info. No one called him August but Gus and since we didn’t give him a middle name, he always wanted one and gave himself the name Zach.]

AJ:          Or two am I actually supposed to call him by a different name? Ok He is making me feel like I am not supposed to call him by like his name or I am actually supposed to call him by a different name and he wants to acknowledge like “I want to joke around about this”, “I want to joke around about this” as well and there is a type of energy, and don’t take this the wrong way, but I have to direct it to either to you mom because he is making me feel like “mom it’s not my fault”, “mom it’s not my fault” – so if there is either responsibility that you feel like you personally could have prevented it or stopped it, I need to let you know – I need to dust my hands clean from the situation and I need to let you know that “I made it over there safely”.  (Medium pauses looks off to the floor)  Would he be over five? [I did feel and sometimes still do feel responsible that I did not prevent his death.  I missed the clues and didn’t push harder to get another treatment.]

Us:         Yes

AJ:          Would he be eight?

Us:         He was ten.

AJ:          Where is like the eight significant at?

Us:         He’d been ok (in remission) for eight years.

AJ:          For eight years he was sick?

Us:         No he was fine for eight years and then he got sick again.

AJ:          (Pauses. Looks off to the side). Were you guys… Were you guys refusing medical advice… with your son? Like meaning like you guys were supposed to put on a respirator but took him off or like you were supposed to give him meds but you didn’t do it? Like they are showing me A. M. A. which represents “against medical advice” so is there something that you guys should have had done or something the doctors should have done but you guys didn’t do it?

Us:         I… I don’t know, I mean we were trying to get him to…there is the stem cells thing but that wasn’t really against medical advice.

AJ:          Like how, like what were you going to say?

Us:         Well we opted not to follow through on one protocol of one treatment. [We refused to return his stem cells immediately after one of his treatments because they warned us that while they are “cleaned” some cancer cells can still get by. It would take a long time but his bone marrow could recover on its own, he relapsed anyway.]

AJ:          Was that both of you guys’ decision?

Us:         Yes

AJ:          Here is the part of that, he is making me feel like I need to acknowledge this thing so if you guys feel like you should have done it, you should have went into it, again whatever the situation is like don’t feel responsible that you guys should have done it because I feel like it would have happened anyway and I’m sorry to be blunt about it but I feel like this energy already made its transition you know what I mean, it’s already on its verge and the part of it about this energy, it wants to validate for you is that (gardener makes lots of noise) sorry…sorry about the noise let me close this door real quick guys I don’t want to be distracted (closes door) but I feel like to make sense of what’s happening there is a part of it that I need to acknowledge the medical thing that happened like prior to the situation, prior before the passing and I feel like I need to let you know do not worry about that as well.  They are also bringing up for me…like do you… you guys don’t have a collie?

Us:         No we had one. I had a collie a long time ago. [This one really got us, not even Gus knew the collie, it passed before he was born and note he did not just say “dog” but collie – the collie’s name was Laddie]

AJ:          Is the collie passed over?

Us:         Yeah.

AJ:          I have to let you know he has the collie with him. (We start to laugh) I have to let you know he is with him on the other side because to me he is petting the dog (makes petting motion with his hand) to me he looks like Lassie but he is showing me the collie he has it on the other side.  He also wants to validate that we are part of the energy, we are part of the family so again whatever time frame has passed he wants to let you know we are still together, we are still one big family. But I don’t know if he knew your grandmother in life but he wants to let you know “I need to thank grandma for doing this and I need to thank grandpa for doing this” basically, these other loved ones for bringing through this energy.  The part with your son’s energy though is that, it’s like…I don’t want to be rude about it but it’s like he already knew but I don’t know if you guys told him what was going to happen because there is a part that I feel like there was a knowing that was there, like it’s almost like he knew he was going to make his transition, like he knew what was going on, like I don’t feel like this kid wasn’t aware of the situation but he is just making me feel like it just happened. — [We never told Gus he had “cancer”, we never told him he might die, actually he was doing really well despite the second relapse with his chemo. His death was not expected when it happened]– Do you know, and I don’t want to be personal here, (pause) do you know if he actually, and I don’t want to be blunt with this but did he like just pass away in his bed?

Us:         Yeah, well not in his bed he was in a hospital bed.

AJ:          He was in a medical bed because I feel like “I didn’t wake up”, like I feel like “I fell asleep and didn’t wake up” there is that type of thing that he is bringing up here so I don’t feel again like this was a cardio thing but I almost feel like I took my last breath and he wants to validate like “I’m still breathing”, “I’m still breathing” so if there is an issue that happened here within respiratory he wants to validate that I am still committed to being with you guys as well.  He is also bringing up for me like if I first walk into your front door, I actually feel like I am directly into your living room but I feel like off to the left is an offset dining room, is that correct?

Us:         Off to the left? No that is the living room.

AJ:          Ok, then I need walk to be in there. Do actually have a memorial in there of him?

Us:         Yeah

Gus' Memorial exactly where he described on the left side of the family room.

Gus’ Memorial exactly where he described on the left side of the family room.

AJ:          I need to acknowledge whatever is up or whatever is put out, he wants to let you know “thank you for doing this” so if this is even some sort of, I don’t even want to call it a shrine but I feel like it’s more like memorabilia in some sense he wants to let you know “I’m known for this” and “people see me”.  Do you understand that?

Us:         Yeah

AJ:          And there’s a part, he didn’t have like a, and this is going to sound funny to you, you know the Little Rascals?

Us:         Yeah

AJ:          You know Spanky?

Us:         Yeah

AJ:          Did he? Is there a hat that I am actually supposed to bring up that he has? You know how like the little spins?

Us:         Yeah

AJ:          Is there a hat that I am actually supposed to bring up or is there a reference that I am actually supposed to bring up to like the bowl hair cut? Did he have a bowl hair cut? I don’t know where he is going with this. But I feel like it’s about his appearance about either what he is wearing or what his hair looked like. So they are showing me Spanky. So I need to acknowledge this.

Gus and his hat.  He always asked me when he was going to be "normal" again.

Gus and his hat. He always asked me when he was going to be “normal” again – so it was curious that AJ used that language.

Us:         Oh, he had no hair so and he used to cover it up with a hat.

AJ:          I need to acknowledge that he has his hair back, that he has his hair back because I feel like he wants to joke around about his looks and appearance and he wants to acknowledge that “I’m normal again” and I feel like with his type of energy he wants to me to feel like you guys weren’t hurting him. So I don’t know if there was fear that you guys were putting him through trauma, or you guys were putting him through the situation, but he’s making me feel like (chuckles) “it’s all good” like, “it’s all good” like there is a part of his energy that “I’m still alive”.  I’m also supposed to bring up here, do you also have another younger energy, female energy connected here like still living?

Us:         Um. I mean nieces.

AJ:          You don’t have another daughter? I mean you don’t have a daughter? You are not pregnant are you?

Us:         Not that I know of.

AJ:          (Very awkward pause) I don’t want to get too personal but are you guys trying to have another kid?

Us:         No but we are not preventing it.

AJ:          Here is the thing that I feel like I need to bring in a female energy not a male energy so if someone just had a child that would make sense, if someone is going to have a child that would make sense but if none of that I need to bring up a new energy coming in. So it means like you’re pregnant, you are going to get pregnant, um…I’m fluttering that is why so when someone is fluttering I know there is a baby situation going on.

Us:         Ok. That would be his gift to us, I guess. [No – I am not pregnant, at my age that would be a miracle BUT my cousin did give birth to a beautiful baby girl April 2014.]

AJ:          No I feel like it’s his way of acknowledging that circle of energy so if there is something you guys are… try not to stop it because I feel like there is a new energy so if this is something you guys choose to do, I feel like there is a new energy coming in. So it’s his way of kind of acknowledging himself and acknowledging that circle of energy as well.  Why would he bring up for me like…was this individual really hooked up to like IVs and everything?

Us:         Yes, a lot.

AJ:          Like I mean… like poked and prodded, like the whole nine ok… there is a part of it that I feel like this child is actually to me an old soul type of energy, it’s almost like it’s lived it’s life and it’s making me feel like “I’ve done this before and I was actually here to assist you and help you”.  I feel like with your son’s energy with both of you guys, is that even though your son passed away there is a part that he is making me feel like, you guys still haven’t gone through the grieving process and truly let go of that situation.  It doesn’t mean that you guys have to forget about him but it is to help you guys move forward because he is making me feel like “mom and dad” he is showing me green lights over on both of you guys which represents to let go and to move on. It doesn’t mean to detach from the situation but just know he is part of your life and I feel like in some sense I want to lead with dad more so than mom, it is almost as if you feel guilty for being happy. You know what I mean, so it’s like if you are not happy it’s just like I should be thinking about my son, I should not be happy and having a good time and he is like “dad you need to have a good time, dad you got to enjoy your life”. And they are also bringing up for me, they are bringing up a boat around you so I don’t know if you guys are going on a cruise or if you are going on a trip, but he is bringing up a big boat that’s around you. So why is the boat significant here?

Us:         We went on a trip recently [We thought he was talking about Spain.]

AJ:          Was it a cruise?

Us:         No.

AJ:          What is the boat referencing?

Us:         Oh We were supposed to go on a cruise but then he got sick again. [We had booked a cruise to Baja the year he relapsed that we never took.]

AJ:          Was that because of him?

Us:         Yeah.

AJ:          Make the cruise happen.  Take the cruise.  He will be there for that event, because I feel like I need to acknowledge like bringing the enjoyment of having a good time so if it’s something you felt you know we couldn’t do it because you had to spend more time with your son, our son if you will, he wants to let you know mom and dad enjoy that time and make it happen as well.

It will take another two posts to finish our “reading” with AJ. He actually spent more than forty minutes just with us.  ALSO – we are taking the cruise.  The entire family is making that trip happen in less that two weeks and just to prove that Gus is always helping us – Carnival honored our previously paid and “lost” deposits for everyone.  


Knocking on Heaven’s Door – Part One


Hello… heaven?…

Grief, like being Mexican, has a way of making you do things you might not otherwise have done. Only a Mexican would eat a piece of fruit with lime, salt and lots of chile and only a grieving mother would consider going to a medium but I am both, so when it seemed like a medium was calling me, I went.

Shortly after returning from our walk in Spain, I was channel surfing my favorite radio presets when I came across my “latino” station in the midst of their “medium” segment. I’ve been a fan of the station for years and I had never heard this type of segment so I stopped and listened to it for a while before turning it off.  Had that been the only time that I heard the medium I would have never gone, but as it happened it seemed like every time I was in the car for the next few weeks I caught that very segment.

As far as I could tell, the medium, AJ Barrera, was really good although what did I know? My only exposure to mediums were on TV via the Ghost Whisperer and Crossing Over with John Edwards. AJ though, appeared to be specific about dates and names, not just throwing out “I am getting an “A” name”.  It was even more impressive because his readings were over the phone and therefore he could not be “reading” the person in front of him. So, I acquiesced to the universe and looked him up on-line, discovering that not only was he local, but that he was having a “spirit circle” a month away.  My first thought was to go by myself – in secret – just in case it didn’t t work out. What if it was just “mental-ism” like on the Mentalist or Gus’ spirit did not even show up? but, as I was signing up I noticed that there were two spots left and decided I should at least ask my husband who to my shock said he would go.

It was only after I paid the small fee that I looked at the small print.  The session was scheduled to last an hour and the sold out group would consist of eight.  While everyone was guaranteed a reading, we’d get what – fifteen minutes?  I began to fret.  How could I be so gullible?  Could they look us up? How would I prevent myself from leaping to conclusions?  I was tempted to cancel when we received an e-mail confirming our attendance at the spirit circle on Saturday May 25th, but then I thought..What if Gus came through?

When the day finally arrived, we were a mess of nerves.  We left and arrived far too early for the session and were forced to sit in the car until it was time to go in.  I concentrated on asking the universe for a small favor, to let us be the only ones in the circle, while Paul made sure we were “unreadable”, no Gus pendants, no letters, nothing with us that could give us away.  When it seemed like we’d waited enough, we went in.

We were received by a much younger man than we’d imagined.  AJ is young, twenty-eight but his baby face makes him look even younger.  He has the kind of face that puts you at ease right away, the kind that says trust me – I told myself not to.  He led us into the living room of his home where two other ladies were already waiting.  My heart sank, I had hoped to be alone.  We talked about the things people do when they don’t know each other; the sun, the LA traffic, the holiday weekend while we waited for the other four.  They never showed up.

What I am about to share with you is what he told us – word for word.  We have a recording of the entire session and I spent hours making sure I wrote down exactly what was said.  The skeptic in me says he must have read us like an open book.  There are lots of things that are obvious, like the fact that everyone has a grandparent that’s passed over, or that a couple showing up together has likely lost a child. I admit that at times we offered more than we should have verbally and perhaps non verbally but there are lots of things he could not have known or that we can’t imagine him going through the trouble to find out just for our sake. Most impressive is that more often than not he did not even look at us directly but down and to the side.  So here it goes…..

AJ:          Actually I’ll start with you guys first of all.  How are you guys related please?

Us:         Husband and Wife

AJ:          Ok. So the first thing I do want to bring up here. I actually have an older gentleman that does step forward first of all this will actually be most like a dad figure that has passed over. If anything I actually feel like I am directed with you. So what was your name again? Paul?

Us:         Paul

AJ:          I want to link with you so do you know your dad’s side of the family pretty well?

Us:         Pretty much, yeah.

AJ:          Ok. Do you know if his father has passed over please?


Paul’s Grandfather Raymond – The parallels we forgot is that although our older son is not biologically Paul’s, I named my son Ramon – spanish form of Raymond.

Us:         Yeah  [Paul’s grandfather lived in Iowa, Paul was much closer to his mother’s father so it was a surprise to have this grandfather come forward.]

AJ:          Ok. I want to lead with him and your dad is still here?

Us:         Yeah

AJ:          Ok. I need to acknowledge like his side and need give the love to his son. I don’t know if your dad is open to this work but I need to acknowledge that type of energy. When they bring this up for me like your grandfather is making me feel like I need to acknowledge you.  So I don’t know if there is actually parallels in dates or parallels in names that I am actually supposed to bring up here, but there’s like a times two so where is that connected please?

Us:         (Silence we are totally blank…….)

AJ:          Is there like parallels in names like your first name is like someone else’s middle name?

Us:         Uh. Yes. My dad’s middle name is his dad’s name.

AJ:          Ok. So that would his way of acknowledging his son and acknowledging the energy. So again, I don’t know if your dad is open to this work, but he does want to step forward and wants to acknowledge his son type of energy as well.  They are also bringing up for me to talk about April so where is April connected at here?

Us:         (More silence…)

AJ:          Connect it to your dad’s side.

Us:         No. I don’t…  It’s not coming to mind right now.

AJ:          I still feel like I’m here with you (pointing at Paul).

Us:         April? No.

AJ:          And where is like the hard like J or G name connected here?

Us:         Still Blank

AJ:          Where is like a George or Joseph?

Us:         There is no one I don’t…there is a Raymond is a….

AJ:          UH. UH. Don’t give me names.

Us:         Oh sorry. No I don’t…Not…

AJ:          And this person is still living they are not passed over.

Us:         (Still Blank) [We never did figure this out]

AJ:          Is your dad one of four?

Us:         No. Two.

AJ:          So its April connected.  They keep bringing up four, four, four.

Us:         No.

AJ:          That’s ringing is huge, so the four is very significant how they are showing it to me.

Us:         I don’t know. I can’t think of it can you? I can’t think of it either.

AJ:          Is someone born like on the fourth of a month, like January fourth, February fourth?

Us:         No.

AJ:          They are bringing this four like huge, this is like huge, they are not letting this go.

Us:         Cameron is born on the fourth I think… of February? [Cameron by the way is not born on this day]

AJ:          That’s fine as long as it’s the fourth, who is Cameron connected to?

Us:         Paul’s side, my nephew, my sister’s son…

AJ:          (Pause) And is there a separate energy for you (pointing at me) like a mom figure passed over?

Us:         For me?  Yes.

AJ:          But mom is still here?

Us:         Yes


My grandmother Elvira – the four connection we could not think of – her birthday was November 4th and my mother had four children – duh….

AJ:          Then I want to link this onto to your mom’s side of the family, so I don’t know if you know your mom’s side of the family but there is definitely an older female that does step forward like a mom that steps forward but she’s making me feel like I need to acknowledge these parallels, so I don’t know if there is like parallels in dates or parallels in four connection but I feel like I need to acknowledge that type of energy so I don’t know how well your grandfather knew like your sort of energy, like your family now but there is definitely a feeling that he steps forward and wants to acknowledge you guys and wants to acknowledge like the ties that bring you guys together.  I don’t know if you are recently married or you guys been together for quite some time but there is a part that he wants to acknowledge like and the female figure that I want to step forward.  With this female figure there is a part of it when she talks about her passing, like I feel like this was more like respiratory how it happened, I feel like it’s more of a natural thing, I don’t feel like it was like was a tragic event as how it happened.  Do you understand that please?

Us:         Yes [My grandmother did not recover from surgery for a brain aneurysm but she continued breathing on her own for a while after she was taken off the respirator]

AJ:          And there is a part of it that she is also bringing up for me, now they are bringing up for me … is there also like a Margaret or Marie connected here?

Us:         Um Marie? [Me not trying to leap to conclusions.]

AJ:          Yeah – who is like the M – R name connected to.

US:         My mom, Maria?

AJ:          Ok. So that would be her way of acknowledging her daughter giving her love to your daughter.  So your mom’s mom is passed over?

Us:         Yes.

AJ:          So it would be her way of acknowledging her. So the only reason they give the names is to acknowledge these individuals. I don’t know if you knew your grandmother well in life, but she is making me feel like I need to give the love to you as well.  The unique part about her is that she wants to definitely be like the mom energy, not the grandma energy so there is a part of her that she wants to let you know “I wanna give love” but she comes across as a very, very dominant energy almost like a male’s energy where she kind of pushes your loved ones out-of-the-way (pointing at Paul) and says this is my turn this is like my type of show as well. She is also bringing up for me, now I don’t know if this is either on your level or I need to drop it younger. Is there a younger energy passed over for you guys as well? I have to acknowledge. Is this yours? (pointing at me) or both of you guys?

Until next post…….